July 25th, 2008 |
ACID,
BLAIR ACADEMY,
BROKEN FEET,
TIRES,
TV,
WARWICK
when i was 16 my parents shipped me off to boarding school. this place called Blair Academy. i have a lot of stories from there i’ll probably write at some point, so much fucked up shit went on there its beyond sane. i had pretty much just one friend, this kid named nick. i’m gonna leave his last name out of this. he was pretty much the most badass dude of all time. totally amazing totally bananas completely crazy. we had a lot of fun together just getting fucked up and being ridiculous. the school was like 2 hours from my folks apple farm and a bunch of weekends we would leave school and go hang out in warwick. this story is about the first time we did that.
basically i spent a lot of time on acid while in high school. i was kind of obsessed with it. one time i even volunteered to be hypnotized in front of my entire school by a guy giving a hypnosis demonstration at some retarded assembly while i was on acid. i’ll talk about that some other time. but acid, yeah it was seriously like my favorite thing. whatever. so this one weekend i invited nick to come chill on the farm, and of course we had some tabs. i grew up in a serious country bumpkin town, ‘the sticks’ if you know what i mean. its a real pretty town, warwick new york, and its getting better, but back in 95 it was still pretty trashy. i’m kinda nervous about anyone from the town who knows me to be reading this so i am gonna have to alter some names. so nick comes upstate and theres not a shit to do and thankfully we’ve got drugs so i’m not so worried. he’s never met any of my friends from home before, and this girl- lets call her Debbie- calls and says her parents are out for the night so we can come over and get drunk if we want. she lives all the way on the other side of town, like 45 minutes away but if she can come and get us, we’re game. turned out she had a broken foot and couldnt drive, but we found another friend who could pick us up and take us there. so thats what happened. a little background on the situation here… Debbie’s mom is a total normal lady, really nice and chill, but she married this serious fucking freak named Tommy a few years before and he’s like the epitome of white trash. he’s a bad drunk, a freaking maniac, and totally scary. big kinda guy with a belly that looks like he’s somehow managed to swallow a freaking beach ball and the kind of beard that makes you suspect he’s into some heavy shit that you’d love to know about except that it might give you nightmares. anyhow we get to their house, in the middle of nowhere, and already nick and i are tripping our balls off. It was pretty mellow for a friday night in february, fucking cold outside and nobody wanted to travel all the way to Debbies house so it was pretty much just me, nick, Debbie and this other girlfriend of hers who picked us up and she has nothing really do to with this so i’m not going to describe her at all except to say that 2 years later it came out that she’d been sleeping with her history teacher who got her preggers and hooked on coke and i’ll have to write about that some other time. so theres a bunch of booze at her house as always and we start drinking, talking shit, and staring at these stupid tropical fish that she’s got in her living room inside one of those tanks with a fake treasure scene, which when you’ve taken 2 tabs is pretty fucking amusing.
At like 1230 her parents get back from whatever shithole dive bar they’ve been partying at, and Tommy fucking barrels in the door like he’s about to shit his pants and he disappears immediately down the hallway to the bathroom. Nick thinks he’s seen some sort of giant and begins cracking up and i’ve got to assure him that its Debbie’s step dad and not some freaky weirdo who’s about to kill us except that i’m not exactly sure myself. so her mom sits down in the living room and starts ranting about what an asshole Tommy is and its getting awkward so nick and i hide out with the other girl in Debbie’s bedroom while she and her mom talk shit about the monster in the bathroom. Suddenly the bedroom door opens up and its Tommy, standing there looking fucking terrifying. I’ve met him about 20 times, but he never remembers, and he politely (and drunkenly) introduces himself to me and nick and tells us he wants to show us something. innocent enough i guess. so we follow Tommy down the hall to his bedroom, and he’s telling us he got this huge new tv. mind you this is like a looong time ago and we’re in warwick new york. we get to his bedroom and blammo there it is- a Massive 30 Inch Screen sitting right on top of a table at the foot of the bed. i have to tell you i hadnt been this disappointed in a long time, but nick thinks its amazing and is congratulating Tommy on his purchase, telling him its about time he graduated to a bigger size, blah blah whatever. Then Tommy gets this weird look and asks us if we want to see how amazing the screen is, and of course nick is like ‘yes old boy show us what you got!’ and thats when all hell breaks loose.
The tv turns on and tommy pushes play on the VCR and what the fuck comes on the screen but a fucking porno. but not just any porno. no no no not just any old porno that some creepy fucking drunken white trash weirdo just happens to have in his personal collection. nope. not this night. this was something special. My eyes thought they were about to fucking explode. yes, i was seeing shit- colors, trails, nonsense- the whole fucking thing. but the one thing i was having a hard time computing was what was actually on the screen. but nick said it first, the terrible truth about what was really going on, what i wasnt making up to myself, what was right there, on the screen, in full color right in front of my face- a woman, quite familiar, all too familiar, getting her fucking face fucked full on by the big creepy fucking drunken white trash weirdo standing right in between me and nick. nick looks at me, then looks at Tommy with full on tripped-out admiration, and is like ‘hey man! thats you! this is amazing! are you a porn star? who’s that lady? man, you’re really giving it to her! wow, this is fucking great! look at you go!!!!’ Tommy, who suddenly is feeling very highly of himself at the star struck attention he’s getting, proudly declares ‘yeah thats Ronnie (debbie’s moms name) right there, she’s a fucking animal alright, watch this’ and as he holds down the fast forward scan button.
as we’re watching in that speeded up jumbled distortion the next few positions he and debbie’s mom move into as they’re heading towards climax, the door swings open and Debbie, in her crutches and her fucking broken foot cast, gives a casual ‘what are you guys doing in here’ before her face turns to the screen we are intently watching, and in one bizarro instant, Tommy, drunkenly unaware of the fact that his step daughter just entered the room, announces ‘here’s the money shot’ and we 4 people- Tommy, Nick, Debbie and i- all turn to the screen in time to see him shoot a load of cum all over her moms face. BLAMMO.
Nick screams out “booya!” Debbie collapses to the ground screaming bloody murder at the top of her lungs, Tommy is smiling like he just won an oscar, and i’m completely fucking speechless. The ‘other girl’ and Debbies mom run into the room, see debbie on the floor, look at the screen and thats when shit REALLY hit the fucking fan. Debbie’s mom goes total ape shit, screaming and yelling, and attacks Tommy with one of her daughters crutches as Debbie herself struggled with the plug to the tv and in trying to turn it off, pulls the tv off the table its sitting on and it crashes to the floor and breaks. Nick is laughing HYSTERICALLY, i’m on the verge of having a bad trip, and the other girl announces that she’s leaving. Debbie’s mom announces that we all better fucking leave, tommy included, and tommy escorts us out down the hallway to another door which he opens and pushes us into, and all of a sudden the three of us are out of the house and in some cold pitch black room. Tommy shuts the door behind us and cooly calmly and casually asks us (as if nothing just happened) if we want to see his masterpiece, which at this point i am afraid is going to look a lot like what we just saw on the screen.
Without giving us a second to answer, he flips on a light switch and there in front of us is what looks like the great wall of china, made out of beer cans, stacked at least 7 feet tall and the width of the entire 2 car garage. mother fucking genius, if you ask me. how this motherfucker accomplished this feat is beyond me. now mind you, this wasnt a great wall of china. in fact it was really just a giant wall of beer cans he had stacked as sort of an homage to coors light. but either way it was goddamn impressive. and nick, still in awe of everything we’d seen in the past 5 minutes, lets out a ‘WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!’ and at this point i’m not sure who any of us are anymore. Tommy, seeing some bizarre opportunity to bask in the glory of the admiration of somebody who seems to ‘understand’ then goes one step further into the unimaginable territory of his brain and says- “i’m a man who loves his father. do you love your father? well you should. we should all love our fathers, because someday they might die and we’ll regret not loving them while they were alive.” and with that, he bursts into tears. and nick burst into tears, and i burst into tears. and there we were, 2 teenagers on acid inside of a garage in a random backwoods town in front of a giant wall of beer with a big scary drunk dude, all having out. Tommy suddenly pulls away and tells us he needs to give us something, and he enters back into the house. we hear a bunch of yelling and in a few minutes he comes back out and hands us two small black leather pouches each about the size of a fist. before we open them, he tells us that this night means a lot to him, and that we’re his best friends and that he hopes we’ll never forget the time we’ve shared. um right like i’m going to forget this shit. and then we open up the pouches, and inside is a tire pressure gauge. a tire pressure gauge? i’ll let tommy explain.
“dudes. its the most important thing in the world to know the air pressure inside your tires. nobody ever checks their tires but if they did they’d probably realize that they need to put more air in them. and by putting more air inside your tires, your car is going to run more smoothly than it was before. so here, take these pressure gauges and check your tires on the regular and remember to add air when they need it.”
who was this guy, fucking Confucious? what did it all mean. i have no idea. but it seemed important. and it seemed like there was more to what he was saying than that we needed to check our car tires. then he said that he had to go and fix things with debbie’s mom and he turned around and went back inside the house. Nick and i were silent for a few minutes before either of us spoke. this whole incident took place in like 30 minutes from when Tommy got home to when he gave us the gifts and left. tho it felt like a decade had passed. I turned to nick, who was smiling like he just won the fucking lottery, and all he could say was “that was fucking amazing.”
we exited the garage through the entrance and walked home.
Written by Gordon |
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